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I'm getting married in the fall. November. Prior to getting engaged I thought long and hard over one issue - my name. Will I change my name or won't I? If not, why not? I vacillated over the issue, blowing hot and cold from one day to the next. The reasons for changing my name to take my future husband's were:
Don't get me wrong, I am proud of the person to whom I am getting married. I love him dearly but I love myself too. I love my free spirit and I think I will make a better partner if I maintain my character, if I don't lose myself in the marriage and changing my name could be the beginning of such a transition. I summed up my thoughts by thinking of marriage as a joint venture rather than a takeover. As I was toying around with this analogy a good old friend came to visit. She quickly told me that after some years of marriage, she'd pulled out of the alliance. Her story of the marriage helped me clarify the analogy. A joint venture marriage is easy to define. It's a partnership between two people where you look after each other and mutually discuss how household responsibilities will be divided. It is a healthy relationship in which each partner has a sense of self plus the knowledge that they are loved and appreciated for who they are rather than what they have or what labour services they are expected to provide. This is the sort of union I hope to form. Now, the hostile takeover of a marriage: he has a character U-turn the moment your position goes from Miss to Mrs. Regardless of the fact that you both work (you might even have a more demanding job than him), he sees all domestic chores as a woman's responsibility. You do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and washing of clothes. On all matters, it is his way or the high way because he is, after all, the head of the household. If you complain about this strict adherence to roles he spins some story about wanting to follow the "traditional" model of marriage (the model where woman fusses over man and man sits around waiting to be fawned over). "Tradition", dredged up time and time again by men who need to control their women. He convinces you that he is right, you're being too radical, so you decide to play the highflying career woman by day and the submissive woman without an opinion by night. A few years down the line, the compromise inevitably wears you thin, you don't want to play along anymore but more often than not it's too late, now you have precious little Johnny to consider.
7 Comments
Chisomo
2/8/2011 01:18:27 am
Firstly congratulations. My view is this: if you were in Malawi everyone Wld've expected you to change your name. Changing the name or keeping it has no relationship whatsoever of how your future will be like. The important thing is that you be comfortable and happy with yourself. For alot of young ladies these days keeping the name becomes a way of saying, ' dad i have made you proud.' Fathers work so hard to get us where we are then we just take up another name. As you rightly put it, socially you will be Mrs. It is good to have the same name as your children. But even if you did not, to them you will always have this one name which is 'mother.' Whatever you do, be happy with it.
Bunmi
2/8/2011 01:18:59 am
Congrats Heather! Ineresting set of issues you raise here, but changing a name to me is more of a formality, it doesn't determine what the different characters will be in marriage. The other thing is being traditional is not necessarily a bad thing as you seem to associate it with controlling men. I for one appreciate traditional values and culture, but that doesn't mean I'll be sitting at home waiting for the dirty shirts to launder & iron!
ms b
2/8/2011 01:19:35 am
was wondering bout that.. i ws like hmm hkp no more.. its a big issue... i initially wanted to kp my name or do the double barrel thing..ws still debating after wedding then just thot new phase of life new name why not.. its been tuff, actually only changed my accounts last month.. for other people its a no brainer but i think for those of us who think thru everything it cn wreak havoc in your head.. but in the end as long as u do wts comfortable 4 both of you its cool.
Tara
2/8/2011 01:20:12 am
I say go with whatever your initial instincts are telling you to do. For me it also took a while to decide to completely change my name, but once I changed my name in my passport, it was official--and that only happened 2 years into the marriage. Marriage can be a wonderful thing so as long as you and your fiance are on the same page on the name change--or keeping your name, that's all that matters. You will still be called Mrs. W, from time to time, so it's up to you, if legally it is important to you. Sometimes, legally it is important to have the same name as your husband. My maiden name was too long to do the double barrel thing, so that also complicated things. A hyphenated first name, AND last name, were too much to deal with.
Miss HKP
2/8/2011 01:20:45 am
Thanks for the comments.
Pamela
2/8/2011 01:21:21 am
I would be very proud to take my husband's name.I love tradition. But unfortunately in this day and age, women are expected to have a career as well as play the traditional role. Equality for me means having to do everything alone, it is such a shame because lets face it, Men do not have the same pressure to cook and clean and look after children as well as hold down a career. so basically us women have just made life harder for ourselves by taking on the Man's role too.I would love to be a man in this day and age, all the perks and none of the responsibility!
DJ
2/8/2011 01:21:50 am
I don't view myself as highly traditional, but to be totally honest, I think I would find it a bit upsetting if my wife didn't take my name. I know it shouldn't matter, but I feel people would judge me and her on it, for the exact reasons you mention. Leave a Reply. |
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By Heather Katsonga-WoodwardI'm always thinking, debating, considering and revising my views - some of those deliberations will be shared right here. |
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Photo used under Creative Commons from Jerry Bunkers
